“If I cry just a little
And then laugh in the middle…”
I wasn’t sure if I was going to write this. I haven’t written in 9 months and, I broke my promise of writing on a consistent basis. I necessarily don’t make the time to sit here and write things out (more on that in a bit) but instead inspiration hits me while I am in the middle of a drive.
If you know me then you know I am not the biggest fan of driving. It’s a necessity but I would rather have someone drive me around. A boy can dream, can’t I?
I was in the middle of driving while I was inspired to write something tonight – I typically see the end of the year as a new beginning of something new …whatever that might be.
..but we’re in the middle of a pandemic, I have apprehension about going into this new year just because when is this shit going to end? We’re always one variant away from it being a total shitshow and right now, so many people have caught COVID or have lost their battle with it.
On top of the pandemic, we’re all juggling our own everyday problems and just trying to thrive in some way shape or form. At times, I feel overwhelmed so I’ve spoken to a therapist for over a year to really learn how to cope and talk things out without necessarily feeling like being a burden – there’s the health concerns with my mom, the lack of understanding from my sibling about the gravity of the pandemic, the lack of boundaries I fail to create, the need for perfection and to do everything, and this habit of just being way too hard on myself.
It’s interesting how all of these things just swirl around and bubble up at different times, my therapist is quick to point out how quickly I can go back to old habits or noticing a slight difference in the way that I speak about what I am doing. The lack of boundaries has left little to no time in devoting myself to other things that might be of interest to me.
I continuously run and go but I don’t stop for me. I don’t show up for myself in the way that I should – I can see it, I can feel it, I sense the difference now that I’ve had an outside party point it out to me. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin because i am too hard on myself.
There’s been pockets of joy though. I’ve been able to see some people I hadn’t seen since the pandemic started, I switched jobs – so far so good, we’re healthy-ish, kept up consistently with the Nike Run app milestones, continuing therapy to work through all the issues, and I did another rewatch of Scandal. I do know that I have to write more in this little space regardless of what people may think and check-in on people within my necessary boundaries – both easier said than done.
I don’t know what 2022 will bring but I am ready for this pandemic to be over. Please be over for the love of all things holy. Also it would be great if I could stop inhaling all the food due to boredom.
Remember to live in your fucking truth whatever that may be.
See you in 2022.
p.s. Get vaccinated and boosted.
Wear your fucking masks.