“We think we know someone, but the truth is that we only know the version of them they‘ve chosen to show us…We may hear rumors about a person and believe them to be true.  Humans are intrinsically impossible to simplify.  We are never just good or just bad.  We are mosaics of our worst selves and our best selves. our deepest secrets and our favorite stories to tell at a dinner party.  We are all a mixture of selfishness and generosity, loyalty and self-preservation, pragmatism and impulsiveness. There will no be further explanation, there will only be reputation.” – Ts.

Reputation is something that’s become more noticeable for me since being out on the West Coast. It’s been that moment where I’ve become really self-aware of how others perceive me versus the way the rest of the world sees me. Everyone presents themselves in some sort of light that they want to be seen in. At times, that light gets dim or it flickers to show what’s underneath the facade.

What do you do when that light is being fragmented by someone who you see as a friend? They don’t see you in the light you wish to be seen – they create the light that others see because for some reason, their words carry some value and they feel like they know better. It creates conflict but how do you get rid of that conflict? do you simply extinguish your light and move away from the one that has put a shadow over your light?

It’s toxic to tango with someone who wants others to see you in some sort of negative light…it makes you question the light you want others to see you in especially if you’re insecure or you start to believe their version of your light. It’s your truth versus their truth of you – it’s twisted how others tend to create the narrative based on pieces of information that don’t even come from your mouth.  It’s even more twisted when that person really claims to be that friend you can always count on.

We’re a mix of saint and sinner, light and dark, ying and yang…how do you balance not letting someone’s else version of you get to you and start to question what you offer to others? It’s exhausting having to watch your light just for the sake of someone who really doesn’t know what light they want to be seen in.  As you read this, your narrative is being told for you by someone who may not even know you past the artificial friendship that you share…but the way you talk, the way you enunciate a certain word, the way you hold yourself in a conversation, and etc. are being used to create a version of light that others may see you in.

How do you control the light you want to be seen in? Change, change, and change. No one stays the same. At any given point, you can change everything about you because you simply want to be different from the version you were before. People will always talk and analyze someone based on their words, their social media profiles, and a simple conversation but at some point, there’s no fucks left to give.

You just need to believe that the people who are meant to be around will see you in the light you want to be seen in…even if there’s a few people in the crowd saying the complete opposite.

Light me up.
-A.