Alex –
I’ve been out of my latest relationship for a bit now. I don’t want to tell you
the timing because I am embarrassed. I’ve tried jumping back in the dating pool but I just can’t seem to move on from my ex. My ex seems happy and, I have seen photos of her looking all sorts of happy in her new relationship.  It was an abrupt ending because she cheated on me but it still hurts just as much as did when it ended. I try to distract myself but it just seems that every single thing reminds me of our relationship.  How do I get to a point where I am ok? I don’t need to be great but I want to be OK.
Sincerely,
Single and not ready to mingle

Single and not ready to mingle –

Well…heartbreak is never easy but it does make for a few catchy songs. Just ask Ari. ok. ok.  ok. I was trying to be lighthearted especially since this is a bit of a heavy topic. Breakups are never easy and, I am assuming it’s been a few months since your breakup. Don’t put a time stamp on how long you’ve been out of the relationship – everyone has their own way of dealing with the fallout and in their own time.

When you put a time on recovering, you put yourself in a box that doesn’t fully allow you to go through the steps of “grieving” the end of the relationship.  You put more emphasis on trying to be in a “thank u, next” mood versus a phoenix rising vibe.  No offense to Ari but you have to put your mental well-being on the forefront of recovery.

You need to surround yourself with friends that will keep you in check which means that they will pull that phone away from you when you’re looking at photos of your ex or stop you from drunk-dialing.

You’re torturing yourself by looking at those photos because your mind starts thinking  “oh she looks amazing, happy, in love, and in a new relationship that offers her something I didn’t.”  Newsflash!  Photos aren’t telling you anything about the her or the status of her new relationship. They only you show you a sliver of their life, a fraction of their life, a thinly-veiled preview of their relationship but it’ll never tell you the truth of what goes on behind closed doors.

It’s easier said than done so you can’t be expected to be like OK! I am not going to look. You’re going to look, wonder, and grasp at what’s happening on the other end. Don’t do it – it’s not going to help you. You’re going to get stuck wondering about their lives when you’re not fully living your own.

It’s hard to fathom that this person is not a part of your life and, you may have planned to be with each other possibly forever but it’s reached the end. If you thought this was endgame and the most amazing thing you’ve ever had, the next relationship you’re in is going to be 1000x better and will fulfill you in ways you’ve never thought. It’s so cliche but the best is really yet to come. You will be with a person who loves your quirks, your moods, and you for being you.

Only you’ll know when you’re OK – when you’re finally free the ghost of your ex. You’ll have your lows, highs, and in betweens but let yourself go through those emotions. Don’t ignore them or bottle them up. You may end up repeating how you feel to your best friends about a million times but if they’re truly your friends, they’ll hear it every single time with open ears. I hope you’re ok soon and that you find your golden hour just like Kacey did.

All the good vibes.
-A.

Need advice? Shoot an email to your long, lost friend. Click here!