Hiding in Plain Sight

Let’s see…it’s been about almost 8 months since I moved back to Texas.
Yes, it’s been almost 8 months and, it sort of just happened that I was hiding in plain sight.

It’s been the longest 8 months that involved finding a new job, registering back as a Texas resident, adjusting to being back with family, and coming to terms with the fact that life hadn’t quite turned out as I thought it would.

I didn’t make any sort of announcement. I was still processing coming back home while really embracing the notion that I had made somewhat of a life out there – I had worked my ass off at work, made new friends, learned how to actually care for myself, grew the fuck up, and etc.

It was hard leaving and that’s what threw me for a loop. I didn’t anticipate this feeling of sadness when I decided to move back. I was sad for what I was giving up – it wasn’t a lot but it was mine, it was my own little bubble on the west coast.  I wrestled with it on my way back – there was more tears than expected but can you blame me after driving 22 hours and being over driving in this big state called Texas? It was torture – I would wish it on my worst enemy though.

Coming back to Texas, I felt like a failure – I really did because I set out this lofty goal and, I failed achieving it. I was discouraged, defeated, and frustrated. I could sit here and tell you what I could’ve done differently to achieve that goal but I won’t – because it’s a case of should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.

I’ve embraced the notion that you end up exactly where you meant to be not a moment sooner or later.  I still wrestle with it because I felt like I settled for this life and, I still want it so bad because that’s my dream but dreams also take different shapes and forms.

I was embarrassed because I wasn’t doing all the things people my age were doing but as I’ve read and been told that “comparison is the thief of joy.” I didn’t know what to tell people and I still don’t because to be quite honest, I don’t have to explain shit. I wrote this to capture this moment, this transitional phase, to show people I am still figuring out, and that I’ve got so much to do.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t all sadness. I leaned on amazing folks through this change and for the support, I’ll never stop being thankful because God knows how many times I called, texted, or shed some tears over this decision. I’ve always said it but I am lucky to have the group of friends I have. They’re all cool, smart, and so much more in their own ways. I know I am never alone and, I hope they know that they’re never alone.  I’ve grown up a little but I’ve got so much more growing up to do.

-A.

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